I just saw a woman with the sexiest walk ever. The kind of walk that stops traffic, which is literally what happened. She very nearly caused an accident.
I want that walk. I need it. Now that I’ve seen it and know it exists, I need to find a way to own it. Which is why instead of being quick about picking up the few grocery items that I need tonight, I am prepared to sashay slowly through the produce department until either my hips give out, or someone drops their apples. Whichever comes first.
I’m at the hair salon for highlights and a cut. I’ve reached that point during the appointment where I have been left alone in front of a six foot mirror, sitting directly beneath a spotlight, hair an angry mess of tinfoil and shame, wondering how the hell I was able to reach this level of ugly in such a short period of time.
The other day a woman in her 20s commented on how unusual it was that I was wearing my scarf wrapped around my neck and on the inside of my jacket. “I didn’t realize there were other options,” I said. Her eyes lit up. “Oh of course there are!” she exclaimed. “You could loop it around the outside of your jacket so it hangs down a bit”.
I shook my head. “But how will my neck stay warm?” I asked.
She stared blankly at me. “I don’t know…” she said after a moment.
Listen, I may not be the most fashionable person around (stop laughing), but at least I know how to operate a scarf. I can also drive stick, and balance a cheque book. Just kidding. I’ve never balanced a cheque book in my life.
How exactly am I supposed to wear a see-through shirt? It calls into question my very limited understanding of fashion, and causes me to doubt my own ability to properly dress myself. I found one of these see-through shirts in the far reaches of my closet today, so I pulled it out and tried it on. I realized, as I stood there naked inside my shirt, that well, I was very naked inside my very see-through shirt. It was very real, humbling, and confusing. I’m wearing it now, but as a scarf. It made more sense. I hope that was the right thing to do.