Am I Really Qualified To Be A Parent?

IMG_20170424_130833_151I had one job to do last night.  One simple job!  A fairly run of the mill parenting duty that could have been handled in under a minute, but somehow took 10 times that long, and resulted in me feeling flushed with frenzy and panic while I belly crawled down the hallway in the dark.

Let me back up a bit.

Yesterday evening my son, who is nearly 7, lost a tooth (his third to date).  Our family’s anticipation and build up to the Tooth Fairy’s arrival was fantastically impressive.   The entire house was buzzing with excitement as we tucked the children into bed last night, and everyone had a different idea about what the Tooth Fairy would bring.  My oldest son, the one who lost the tooth, was hedging his bets and anticipating a boomerang or a coin (go big or be practical seems to be his motto lately).  I was covertly checking my wallet to mentally prepare myself for what was actually going to end up under his pillow, while my husband stood quietly by, amusement crinkling the lines around his eyes.

It was close to midnight by the time my husband and I finally decided to call it a night.  I had been on the computer for a while before we headed up to bed, and if you have ever spent any time in front of a bright screen before walking into a dark room, you will know that your eyes simply will not adjust to the darkness.  You are blind, and it lasts for a really, really long time.  It doesn’t help when your children have blackout blinds and zero nightlights, which is the case in my son’s bedroom.

So this was where my eyes were at when I stepped into my son’s room.  With the Tooth Fairy’s coin clutched tightly in my hand, I turned off all the lights upstairs, opened his bedroom door and…nothing.  I couldn’t see a thing.  I took a tentative step forward, arms stretched out and sweeping the air in front of me.  Within seconds my shin bounced off the edge of a toy bin, and I groaned, reflexively before dropping to my knees.  I then proceeded to crawl, pitifully in the general direction of my son’s bed.  Once my face hit the side of his mattress, I knew I was there.  That’s when things went from bad to worse.

At this point, I still couldn’t see, but at least I knew roughly where I was.  I crouched as low as I could, curled my fingers tightly around the coin, then reached up and quickly slid my arm across my son’s bed towards his pillow.  Except it turned out I wasn’t anywhere near his pillow, so I ended up punching him in the stomach.  Horrified, I dropped back down to the floor and wiggled half way under his bed.  Sheets rustled, bed springs creaked, but eventually my son settled back to sleep.  I crawled out from my hiding spot and carefully inched my way to the head of his bed.  This time I found his pillow, made the tooth exchange, then began my hasty retreat.  My vision was slowly returning at this point, so I could just barely see the outline of the door.  I was scurrying towards it when suddenly I heard someone whisper, “Hey!”

I dropped flat to my stomach and began shimmying frantically out of his room and down the hallway.  I made it to my bedroom, scampered across the floor and threw myself into bed.  I explained, breathlessly, to my husband that I had just sucker punched our son, and likely caused permanent Tooth Fairy Trauma that was going to take years of therapy to sort out.  My husband, being the reasonable, practical person that he is, calmly turned to me and said, “Why didn’t you just walk in his room, give him a kiss on the forehead, then swap out the tooth?  If he woke up, you would have the perfect excuse for being there.”

It’s moments like this that I really begin to question my qualifications as a parent.  

 

 

 

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68 thoughts on “Am I Really Qualified To Be A Parent?

    1. It is! My husband has to tape a reminder note on my alarm clock so I won’t forget. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and I have to go through this for all three of my kids!!

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  1. Where are those stealth ninja moves?!?! Haha! That’s great – love how you finally did the old switcharoo and got out. Your husband makes it seem so simple! My husband tried once – he was afraid he would wake up our son so he just threw money on his head (?)

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      1. The next morning my son came down and said the tooth fairy left him money ON his pillow and didn’t take the tooth. My husband and I looked at each other and I said, “I wonder why the tooth fairy did that?” And he said, “Maybe the tooth fairy was afraid of waking him up”
        “So what did the tooth fairy do?” “Probably something like this…” And he showed me his toss – like he was playing beer pong. Between his toss, no take the tooth and me forgetting we are the worst tooth fairies ever! 🙂

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      2. It cracks me up too 🙂 I can’t believe he just threw it at him! And didn’t take the tooth! But I always forget – so I guess they get little money bruises on their face or nothing – haha! Poor kids 🙂

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    1. Thank you!
      I love your book idea. I also know some parents who have some pretty hilarious stories about when they have forgotten to leave any money, and the cover story they came up with as a result. I think we would definitely have a best seller on our hands! 😉 🙂

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    1. Thanks!
      I’d say the hardest job the Tooth Fairy has is actually remembering to collect the tooth! Little sticky note reminders are quite useful…. 😉 🙂

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  2. Look on the bright side. In case of an enemy invasion you’ve got the guerrilla crawl thing down now. And by the time they’ve all lost all their baby teeth you’ll qualify as a ninja. There’s got to be a market for that. Maybe you could look into becoming a paid assassin. And with the patience and commitment you showed in getting the coin under the pillow you could be a nun. Which you may be considering at this point. Look for an order that allows talking but not listening so you don’t have to deal with visits from the kids.
    As for your husband telling you how to do it when you got back to your bedroom, you might want to remind him that putting a dip sign AFTER the dip isn’t helpful.

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  3. This is the best thing I have read all day! I am in fits of giggles. My boy is dying to lose a tooth although I’m not so excited for the exchange! After reading this I may be stealing your husband idea haha

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    1. Thank you so much! Comments like this totally make my day!!
      The first time the Tooth Fairy came to our house, it was SO exciting! It really can be a lot of fun being a parent sometimes. 🙂

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    1. I recently heard a story about a woman whose son lost a tooth, and she didn’t have any money on hand to leave for him. So she borrowed money from his piggy bank, but there was a very special and distinctive quarter in there that she grabbed. So when her son woke up and found it under the pillow, he was instantly suspicious!!

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  4. I just snorted tea out my nose reading this!! This happened in a similar fashion to me. After forgetting on night 1 that the tooth fairy needed to visit, I managed to wake my son up mid tooth exchange on the second night, I used the excuse I was checking if the tooth fairy had been….. and surprisingly she had (what can I say, I moved fast!). Being capable of love is what qualifies you as a parent- I’m new to your blog, but I’m sure that you have that and are doing a great job 🙂

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    1. Snorting tea out your nose is quite possibly the best compliment you could give here! Thanks! And my hat is off to you for your quick thinking during your own tooth exchange. Great job!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  5. I think if they did make a book on Tooth Fairy Maneuvers my submission would be banned. My kids believe in the tooth fairy origin story, so they leave their teeth in envelopes or tins outside because they don’t want that thing anywhere near them. Makes my part super easy! I leave gold dollars, then when they spend them I buy them back cuz, turns out, I’m not exactly sure how I got these or where to get more. The trick with us is keeping the teeth hidden once I stash them.

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