Sometimes in life there are moments that come together so beautifully that we can’t put into words just how it all came to be. This evening, for me, it was the perfect song, a stunning sunset, a savory glass of wine, and a supper that came together so beautifully it hurt. And yet, it was more than that. I have lovely nights like this all the time, but this time it was different. It was powerful, and I can’t explain it. Maybe it was me. Maybe it was that inner peace I’ve been searching for, and maybe somehow I’d gotten all tangled up in it.
Unfortunately, for me, moments like this always bring dread. I wonder how many others feel this way. Whenever life becomes too beautiful, too breathless or perfect, I begin to worry. There is a small corner of my mind that trembles with fear. It’s an odd combination, fear and joy, and they don’t compliment each other well. Perhaps it is born from experience; a knowledge that all good things come to an end, and an understanding that if I let to much happiness in, my guard will drop and I won’t be ready for disaster when it strikes. Because it will. It always does.
So, my beautiful, effortless night is not what it seems. My smile, my casual laugh and lighthearted twirl are not as genuine as I would like them to be. They are laced with doubt and ambiguity. Perhaps this is just who I am. I am happiness laced with sadness. Joy filled with fear. Peace flushed with turmoil. A woman in motion who sometimes drops to her knees just to feel the stillness of the earth. A contradiction. A breath, waiting to exhale.